Familiarity, passion and the obvious

So, I’m thinking ahead, for another year.  Making plans, visualising my future, writing my affirmations.  But I have a problem.  I find that teaching HypnoBirthing and normal birth has got to the point where it is all so obvious to me, that I can’t remember that spark of amazement and fascination that I once had when realising that birth is an amazing, normal, empowering event, that has been spoiled and damaged by systems and society.  Birth is a loving, compassionate, feminine event, that has been masculinised, medicalised and become fearful and aggressive.  I want to be a part of changing that for people, and I feel like I have found my niche in life.  I love seeing people transform in front of me in my classes.  I love being at births, and standing back as the power of nature takes over.  But the “obviousness” of it all is threatening my passion.  So, my goals for 2011 are to reignite the fire and passion, and remember that it is not obvious just because I am very familiar with it.  My goal for 2011 is to do what I have been doing, teaching HypnoBirthing, teaching midwives, teaching the one day Mindful Mamma class and doing it better and better, and learning more and more from all of you.  Thank-you for being my inspiration.

A Victorian Story of Sex, a modern story of childbirth.

Let me tell you a story. Over one hundred and fifty years ago, in Victorian Britain, women were marching the streets of London with banners proclaiming their rights for emancipation, or freedom from the drudges of womanhood. In their eyes, the drudges of womanhood included the duty to perform sexual intercourse at the husband’s request. Sexual intercourse, according to Victorian culture, was at best boring, and at worst, unpleasant and painful. It was regarded as “undignified” and “unladylike”. Imagine for a moment, how a young Victorian woman might have felt on her wedding night. She knows that something rather odd is expected of her tonight – but she doesn’t really know what it will be, or what it will be like. Her mother is evidently happy for her, but also rather anxious on her behalf. Her mother has given her some advice, along the lines of “as long as your husband is gentle, you will be all right”. Goodness – what if he isn’t? Mother also says that there may well be blood on the sheets, and it will hurt. That really is rather worrying, but you are reassured that it is always worse the first time, and after that things start to get easier. The best piece of advice that people seem to be able to give is to “lie back and think of England, and it will be okay”. It would seem that a Victorian lady should endure it, and wait for it to be over. Now, we know that in Victorian Britain, scientists had not really grasped that ladies have a sexual response cycle, or that they could become aroused, or that they could orgasm (of course, some women and some men had grasped this – but on a cultural level, it wasn’t understood). The hormones responsible for elevation of sexual excitement and thus physical preparation for sexual intercourse (in the form of lubrication and widening of the vagina) were not understood. Orgasms were a male domain, and the clitoris was frankly, non-existent. So, let us go back to her first night, and the advice of her mother. This young lady will go to her wedding bed feeling anxious, worried, and unsure. You do not need science or psychology to tell you that this will affect her ability to relax and enjoy the occasion. She will lie there, worrying, tensing up, flinching when he touches her, waiting for it to be over, and as a result, will not release the right hormones for sexual arousal. Sexual arousal is inhibited by anxiety and fear. If sexual arousal does not happen, then the vagina will not lubricate or open up, and intercourse will be painful or impossible. A great many marriages of the time were annulled because they were never consummated. And they weren’t consummated because the act of sexual intercourse was apparently impossible! The woman’s body just refused to work, and penetration was impossible. These physical problems with penetration didn’t exist because there was anything wrong with women’s bodies – they existed because of the psychology of the woman – they fear surrounding the whole process of sexual intercourse. It’s the same nowadays with birthing. Let’s go back to our Victorian bride. Let’s imagine for a moment, that her body did respond in the way nature intended, and she got aroused and enjoyed the whole thing. This is quite likely, as, after all, it is what her body is designed to do. In fact, Queen Victoria wrote in her diary about the sweet bliss she experienced on her wedding night! So our Victorian lady had an amazing night, and was multiply orgasmic. Would she have told people? If she had, she may have got some funny looks. (In fact, she may have got herself locked up. Nymphomania was a treatable psychological disease at the time). Basically, people may have struggled to understand her experience, and would have understood much better if she had said that her wedding night was okay – he was gentle, and she is fine. I’m sure you have already grasped why I tell this story and what it has to do with birth. Birth is in the same place now, as sex for women was one hundred years ago. When a woman becomes pregnant, she is told that birth is at best bearable and at worst traumatic – but always painful. She might be reassured that birth is in good hands these days, the hospital saves lives, as long as she can have an epidural, she will be okay. However, throughout her pregnancy, she hears more and more negative and frightening stories. By the time she goes into labour, she is tense, anxious and scared. She awaits the pain. She toughens herself up psychologically for the endurance ride, or she gets the epidural in as early as possible. Either way, she does not release the right cocktail of hormones for birth to unfold as nature intended – smoothly, safely and enjoyably. When she is tense or anxious, she releases completely the wrong hormones, which makes for a longer, more painful, and more dangerous birth, with a much greater chance of intervention. Her original belief that birth is painful, scary and not in the least bit pleasant turns out to be true. But the Victorians were wrong about women and sex. We now know that women can and do enjoy sexual intercourse, and that it can be an amazing experience, (and an awful one too). Whether it is amazing or awful depends upon a number of things – but primarily on her willingness, relaxation and trust during the process. Are we making the same mistake with women and birthing, that was being made about women and sex so many years ago? Well, yes. Women are beginning to experience birth as amazing, empowering, and even orgasmic. It seems that birth, like sex, can be enjoyable or awful, and that whichever way it goes depends upon the woman’s willingness, relaxation and trust during the process. If you don’t believe this, it is because you have never entertained the idea before. Now that it is occurring to you for the first time, start to take a new look at the evidence around you. There is plenty out there. Midwives, mothers, fathers, journalists, and film-makers, are all starting to talk about ecstatic births. There are books, films, DVDs, amazing clips on Youtube, stories from The Farm in Tenessee – all featuring Western women birthing quickly and easily. I mention Western women, because we’ve all heard the stories about African women working in fields, stopping to birth their babies upright, and then walking on with their babies. Well it would seem that Western women are starting to do the same, but they are talking about not only how easy it can be, but how ecstatic and empowering it can be too. Wow, what a well kept secret! The difference isn’t in our bodies, but in our culture. And our culture is basically how we do things, and how we think things. Our classes help you think differently about birth, and thereby free you up to let nature birth your baby in the way she knows best – without medical intervention and without fear. By getting your mindset right, by releasing your fear, and increasing your trust in your body’s natural ability to birth, you will help your body to release the right hormones for a fabulous birth.  HypnoBirthing – the Mongan Method and the Mindful Mamma one day class for the best antenatal preparation.

Please…will…you…eat…your…food. Quick tips for easier toddler feeding.

 Yesterday, my five year old got peckish..  He reached for the draw, found a chocolate biscuit and asked if he could eat it.  I said no, and a minor battle ensued.  I wanted him to eat his imminent dinner, so I could bask in the contentment of seeing him eat my lovingly prepared supper.  He doesn’t quite grasp my complicated reasons.  Food is an emotive issue.  Here are some facts to help lighten the intensity of these food battles.

1. It’s natural to feel stressed when children won’t eat their dinner:  As mothers, we have evolved to feel happy when our children eat.  It is a sign of health and wellness in our children.  However, as mothers, we have also evolved to feel anxious when our children don’t eat.  It was a sign of illness, and illness often led to death.  Here’s the crunch – only in a world where food is scarce. (ie, the world we evolved in). In our current world, food is not scarce, and it is okay if our children don’t want to eat. They won’t die. As mums, we need to temper our anxiety about that, and realise it is programmed in us, but no longer helpful.
2. Toddlers don’t want to try new things:  Baby led weaning shows us that babies are very happy to “self feed”.  In fact, they’ve been doing this for centuries.  Traditionally, babies and toddlers start to scavenge when they start to move.  So, from about 10 months, babies are finding things that they might put in their mouth.  But they get fussy.  Nature needs to keep toddlers safe from berries that look yummy but are poisonous.  How does nature do this?  By making sure that toddlers only eat what they know is safe.  Toddlers have evolved to be sure that the berries they eat are EXACTLY the same as the ones they’ve always eaten.  That’s why the bowl HAS to be the same one. The food CAN’T look any different. That’s also why it only happens at about 10 months old.  Before that, baby will stuff anything in her mouth, because mum is with her and watching.  Once she’s on the move, the world gets more dangerous, and she gets more fussy.
3. It gets easier:  the good news is that as toddlers grow older, they do generally experiment more, and will try new things.  Here are some tips for making the first 5 years less stressful:

Eat together:  eating as a social, pleasant time together, greatly increases the chances of your child enjoying food

Let your toddler pick from your plate:  your baby intuitively knows your food is safe for him to eat (he has evolved to copy you), so he will more readily eat from your plate than from his – especially if the food is new to him. 

Do some deep breathing exercises: if you notice yourself getting stressed about your baby’s eating, calm yourself down using basic breathing techniques that we teach in class.  It’s natural that you’re anxious, but not necessary.  If you don’t calm yourself down, you run the risk of getting into a battle.

Be kind to yourself:  remind yourself that your baby is just behaving normally for his age, and will still be here tomorrow even if he doesn’t eat!

Don’t do what I do :  don’t leave biscuits within easy reach.  This only kicks in their natural foraging behaviour, and then leads to arguments when you say no.  And I’m the psychologist…. doh!

Mia Scotland, www.yourbirthright.co.uk.

Mary Cronk – what a lovely lady

Isn’t it funny how, when we put some-one on a pedestal, we forget that they have feelings, just like us?  I’ve just read an interview with Mary Cronk  in the Doula UK newsletter.  Mary is a pioneer in empowering mothers and midwives, and making advances in the routine de-medicalisation of childbirth.  As such, I imagine her to be strong and fearless.  She had a part to play in changing protocol for “giving” episiotomies.  They were always enforced (along with your pubic shave and enema)  and Mary, along with other midwives, began to question this practice.  They found ways around it, such as “dropping” the scissors moments before incision.   However, one day, instead of dropping the scissors, she told the doctor that she wasn’t going to perform an episiotomy unless there was a medical need.  Simple.  Great.  Why don’t more midwives do that?  Well, it isn’t that simple.    Going against medical authority is not easy.  Going against institutional doctrine is not easy.  Let’s face it, sometimes, just saying “no thanks” to a friend isn’t easy – never mind saying what Mary said.  The part of the interview that surprised me, is when she says that afterwards, she “burst into tears and thought the heavens would fall.  I never forget that day.  I can still feel the fear”.  Bless her for feeling the fear and doing it anyway.  Other midwives followed her example, and said “if Mary Cronk does not have to do it, neither do we”. 

Why was I surprised that she had been so fearful?  I think it’s because, as I said, I had Mary on a pedestal.  And in being up there, she was everything I’m not.  I kind of thought I was inadequate for feeling scared at the prospect of questioning a doctor or midwife (something I have to understand and work through in my role as a birth doula).  So it hadn’t occured to me that some-one as awe-inspiring as Mary would shake at the prospect.  Of course she would.  She is human, she feels the fear, but she cares enough about babies, mums and dads to do it anyway.  The more human she becomes, the higher up that pedestal she belongs, in my opinion.  What a hero!

www.yourbirthright.co.uk

When will I no longer be needed….

“I will no longer teach HypnoBirthing when society regards birth as exciting and joyous, not painful and dangerous.  Until then, I help parents let go of their fears and prepare themselves mentally for birth.  I provide Hypnobirthing antenatal classes”.

“I will no longer be a birth doula when the NHS provides ongoing midwife support – the same person you get to know and trust who listens to you druing pregnancy and is next to you throughout your birth.  Until then, I provide a birth doula service”.

“I will no longer be a post-natal doula when our culture stops expecting women to walk from their birth after 2 hours, be left alone after two weeks in a house that needs tidying and cleaning and a baby that needs 24hour care, when she herself needs looking after.  Until that time, I am a post natal doula”.

Mia Scotland, Clinical Psychologist, HypnoBirthing practitioner, birth preparation service, birth doula service, post natal support service, Mindful Mamma workshop founder.

Lessons in trusting nature – from a duck!

I’ve got so excited about my new ducklings!  Two have hatched today in my garden.  I saw their dark brown fluffy bodies and beautiful shiny eyes, and heard their cute cheep cheep.  Seeing them peer out from their nest was almost as lovely as seeing a new baby born, looking up from her mother’s breast.  (Actually, newly hatched ducklings are fluffier and less gooey – but not nearly so emotionally heartwarming).

We’ve had ducks for a while.  I wanted to hatch some, and I wanted it to be as natural as possible.  I knew that newly hatched ducklings imprint onto that which they see move, so they need their mummy around when they hatch, in order to follow mummy duck around the garden. I didn’t want ducklings in a box.  I wanted them stumbling over stones and rocks, following mummy frantically and freely.

So we waited.  And waited.  No signs.  These ducks have been bred for eggs, not meat, so I guessed that their natural instincts had been bred out.  And I wondered, while putting the washing out, how quickly instinctive birth can be lost after generations of caesarean sections? 

Anyhow, we tried all sorts of other things.  Getting chicken hens to sit on the eggs, using a home made incubator, using a posh incubator.  To no avail. 

Then, suddenly, mummy had made her very own nest, and was sitting on eggs! It wasn’t where we wanted her to be – but she was so well hidden that we realised she wasn’t in danger from foxes.  We were delighted.  But not as delighted as we are now that they have also hatched!

Clever mummy.  And to think that I lost faith in mother nature and her ability to create fabulous new life just like that!  During my classes, (www.mindfulmamma.co.uk and www.hypnobirthing.co.uk) expectant parents work hard to build their faith in birth, and as a doula, (www.doula.org.uk) I have to work at keeping the faith.  I can’t believe I let it waiver with my mummy duck.  She has taught me to keep the trust no matter what the situation!

Trust your intuition…not the thermometer.

Blimey, becoming a parent is SUCH an anxious process!  HypnoBirthing  is about allaying parents’ fears of birth.  However, once that is done, they move onto their fears of parenting.  And you know what?  The issues are the same.  HypnoBirthing teaches us to follow our instincts, and enjoy the process, by trusting our evolved bodies.  With parenting, likewise, it’s about following our parenting instincts and enjoying the process, by trusting our intuition.  I’ll give you an example using a riddle.

Question: “What is the definition of a jumper?”

Answer:  “Something your mother tells you to take off when SHE is hot”.

I’ve always chuckled at this, which my father used to say – because it’s true!.  The point is, a good mother is alert to when baby might get hot, and she is following her intuition, and deciding when to remove jumper from baby or toddler.  She uses information she has to hand, intuitively.  So I was a little taken aback today when a couple asked me whether they should be worried because their thermometer is reading a room temperature of 22 degrees centrigrade.  They are considering buying another thermometer because they aren’t sure they can trust this one.  The question was, what should they do if the room is too hot?  Well, these are highly intelligent, conscientious, caring people.  Yet they ask what I thought was a dumb question.  I couldn’t help but answer “remove some blankets?” And add “what do people do in India?”

Of course, the couple aren’t dumb.  But what has happened is that their confidence and intuition has been eroded by too much information, from books and magazines.  The “machine that goes ping!” (Monty Python) takes precedence over human judgment and sensitivities.  This is incredibly undermining, and teaches that a woman can’t trust her instincts to keep her baby safe, but that she needs machines and teaching to help her do a proper job.  Further more, the “teaching” is anxiety provoking, because of the message it imparts.  (It’s the same with childbirth).

 They aren’t alone.  I’m not dumb either, but I did the same.  I learned this lesson to my (baby’s) cost with my first born.  10 years ago, we weren’t being told to put thermometers in rooms, but we were “warned” of the dangers of babies overheating.  So, I diligently made sure my baby didn’t get too hot, by feeling the back of his neck (not his hands, as outlined in all the current literature).  If his neck felt warm, he was warm.  I kept on and on testing,  anxiously feeling his neck.  I couldn’t quite believe that he was warm enough.  I talked to a colleague about it, who said “kids can sleep in all kinds of cold weather.  My baby would sleep through when there was ice on the windows”.  So I thought, I mustn’t worry.  He’s fine.  But it turns out, my intuition was right (the part of me that was anxiously checking).  He was cold, and that is why he was waking repeatedly in the night.  I followed the “experts” and my “logic”  and in doing so, I didn’t follow my intuition.   Me and my baby lost much sleep over it!

During the process of being given “advice” and buying machines to help us, we lose sight of the process of parenting, and we lose sight of what our intuition is telling us.  The 3 hour parenting class which I offer as an adjunct to the HypnoBirthing helps couples get the trust and enjoyment back by releasing the anxiety.  My couple can worry about the thermometer, they can continue to take readings, buy a new and better one. But in doing so, they forget to look at baby and follow their intuition.  I trust their intuition way more than the blooming thermometer.  I just wish I’d trusted my intuition too all those years ago.

Dad at the birth – have you got a choice?

I’m writing my pamphlet to accompany our one day Mindful Mamma class and I’ve just worked on the “tips for dads”.  The first thing that gets me thinking, is why is dad there at all?  What happened to the days when he was in the pub, or walking the corridor?  While I’m not condoning that, I happen to think we’ve gone too far the other way.  Dads now HAVE to be there – it’s assumed, just like a hospital birth is sometimes assumed.  Not all dads want to be there.  Not all mums want them there.  Co-incidentally, in the past two months, I’ve spoken to two first time mums who say their main fear is of their beloved partner seeing their “bits” in a less than sexy way.  I’ve also spoken to one dad who says he wants to stay up with mum for the birth of their second child, because he had constant intrusive images of his wife’s nether regions after their first birth.  Sometimes, my job as a doula is to make sure dad stays away from the “business end” of birth.  After all,  mum doesn’t have to see it, so why should dad?  Michel Odent, the leading obstetrician who I mention a lot, goes so far as to say that dads at the birth might be related to the increase in divorces (http://www.midwiferytoday.com/articles/fatherpart.asp).  One research study has demonstrated that stress amongst dads at birth is way too high, and is related to perceived pressure to be there the birth (Johnson, Keele University).

http://www.informaworld.com/smpp/content~db=all~content=a791321312

The Conscious Birth movement, and HypnoBirthing, would absolutely dispute this argument, and say that having dad at the birth is a loving, amazing, unifying celebration of birth, and that dad’s presence is an invaluable support to the mother.  I guess it depends on HOW you go about it.  Our classes give dads techniques for reducing their stress levels during birth, techniques for holding the birthing space (ones which have not been taught or documented anywhere else) and techniques for being a generally very supportive and indispensable human being.

While my job as a doula is to support dad as much as mum (if not more so), it is also to help him to stay away from the “business end” if that’s his choice, or, conversely, to help him see the baby’s head as it emerges, to cut the chord and look at the placenta, if that is his preference.   Some dads love all that – and see it as a priveledge that they can be there.  We are all different, and that is why I think it is a shame that, although dad can choose whether to stay “head end” or go “business end” he can no longer choose NOT to be there without having some explaning to do.

Getting mum’s consent to intervene

Well, I’ve just got back from a birth. It was a happy ending birth – seeing mum so in love, so quickly, was lovely. Dad was so elated too. And what a calm baby! It was, however, my closest call in terms of avoiding intervention. The consultant was there with her ventouse cap, and her injection, waving it about. In my naivity, I was rather shocked at her enthusiasm to get in there regardless. She didn’t seem to notice that dad was distraught at the idea of a ventouse (which is when they help baby out with a small suction cap on his head). She didn’t seem to notice that mum was too exhausted or despondent to decline (or, arguably, to accept). I’ve noticed in my short journey through doulahood that if mum accepts intervention, with just so littel as a nod, my ability to advocate is gone. I am not there to persuade her (heaven forbid) so if she says “okay” I can only support that, even if I feel, deep down, that it is uneccessary, or that mum isn’t really thinking it through (of course she isnt’ – she’s in labour! She wants it to end! She’s tired!).
However, in this case, the fabulous student midwife noticed some sign of “progress”. This geed mum up a little, giving her the motivation to say that she wanted to try again without intervention. That was all I needed to hear, and I backed her up. The midwives backed me up, with spectacular grace, by getting the consultant to leave and stand outside!
It was rather brilliant. And the end result is what mattered. Mum did it. On her own. And while we might wonder why it matters (“all that matters is a healthy baby”), the fact is, that it does matter. It matters that mum comes away with pride and a strong sense of achievement. I’m glad the doctor didn’t get the chance to take that away from her.

Antenatal care or antenatal scare?

The NHS has continued to cut back on antenatal appointments, probably for financial reasons.  But research suggests that lots of antenatal appointments are uneccessary anyway!  This makes sense really, when you think that pregnancy isn’t a disease or even a vulnerable condition. It is a healthy, normal, process, wonderfully designed and tried and tested by nature. Going to antenatal screenings and checks can reinforce the message that your body can’t do it without medicine or machines.  Here are some points worth knowing, to avoid your appointments becoming more of a “antenatal scare” than an “antenatal care”.

• If you are told later on in pregnancy that your blood pressure is rising (in the absence of other signs of pre-eclampsia) this is normal and healthy. It just means that your body is responding to having to work harder to pump all that blood around. And boy, there is a lot more blood to pump around!
• If you are told later on in pregnancy that your blood count has dipped to below 10, this is normal and healthy. Philip Steer, in 1995 demonstrated that women with scores of between 9 and 9.5 had the healthiest (as in heavier) babies. Not all midwives know that!
• If you are told in your first scan that you have a low lying placenta, this is very common. Almost always, it will move out of the way of the cervix as your uterus grows. It is not the same as placenta previa. Your midwife will probably tell you this – but it is hard to hear when the sonographer has already said “you may have to have a section”.
• If you are told that you have a “big” baby or a “small”  baby, be aware of how inaccurate late scans are for predicting this.  There is a huge margin of error – even machines aren’t accurate!

(Disclaimer: please note that I am not medically qualified as a doctor, an obstetrician or a midwife, and that these comments are based on research and published literature).